Sweet Sorrow

Sweet: the many wonderful memories of almost 16 years spent married to the man of my dreams.

Sweet: the hugs and kisses given me today by the 5 beautiful children my marriage blessed me with.

Sweet: the time spent today praying in front of the Tabernacle.

Sweet: the friends with whom I will spend some time laughing this evening.

Sorrow: the absence of his physical presence here with me to celebrate what would have been our 17th anniversary.

Loving you today, Paul, and always. Thankful for all the blessings that our marriage gave to my life!

One year ago today...

...on another rainy, cloudy June 27th, a police officer came knocking on my door. With the words, "is there someplace we could talk?" my world started to unravel. So unexpectedly, Paul was called home to be with our heavenly Father. His life here on earth was done and we were to continue living without his physical presence here in our lives. It has been a tough year to say the least. So much my children and I have had to learn... how to fix and do the things Paul did; how to navigate the world of insurance forms, autopsies, social security, and title tranfers and most importantly; how to support and encourage each other when we all grieve so differently; how to enjoy being with one another again without Paul's laughter; how to sit and eat dinner as a family with his chair empty, and how to be a family in a single parent home. One year seems like such a brief moment. Some days the grief still sneaks in from no-where and catches us by surprise. BUT... we are moving forward. I am trying hard ot keep my promise to Paul that we will make him proud. We still cry at times, we still miss his presence. I think I have come to the conclusion that in some way a small part of that "grief" will stay with us forever. This has truley changed us, it's a part of us, it had formed us into the people we are today. We loved (and still love)Paul deeply, and so we hurt deeply. But, inspite of the hurt our hearts still feel at times, we choose to laugh, we choose to love, and we choose to go on living the lives God has laid out before us. We find hope in our faith, we find joy in the things we do together, and we find love in our family and friends!

Today two of Paul's brothers and their families and Paul's mother joined us at the cemetery. The military gives a footplate to a deceased vetran and today Paul's was placed in the ground. We each had an opportunity to sign the back of the footplate and Paul's brother Tim did a wonderful job making the cement slab the plate is now mounted to.







Then, today Tim, Steve, James and Myriah "planted" it.

It looks great!

After lunch here at the house, the three older kids joined Paul's mom for a cousin's wedding celebration (a wedding is not my first choice of activites for today, so I am glad the kids had a chance to go as I know they will have fun.) The younger kids and I will be joining Tim, Jen and Ava for some fun at a food fest. All in all, not a half bad day!

Thanks for all the love, support, and encouragement from all of our family and friends this past year. We would not have come this far without each and everyone of you! We love you all and pray for you often!

Catch up, part 2

Memorial Day was a little more special this year. There was a flag raising ceremony at the cemetery honoring the local men and women who have served our country and have died, as a vetran or in combat. These six flags are the flags that were presented to the families at the time of the funeral. Paul's flag is the 2nd one from the right. It was nice to have him honored!

Paul's brother, Tim (retired army) came in his dress uniform. He looked great and it meant a lot to me and to the kids as we knew he was dressed in his uniform to honor his brother. Paul's mother, Tim's wife and daughter, Paul's sister and her two children and a friend of Myriah's and her mother had joined us as well. It was great to have the support of family with us as we remembered Paul!

Of course, we had to stop by Paul's grave and "visit" for awhile. The kids and I each placed a flag near the headstone.


I absolutly love this picture of Lawrence spending time with his daddy!

A life remembered!

The kids and I just returned from the cemetery. Today is Paul's birthday. He would have turned 41 today. We had cupcakes with rainbow colored frosting swirled on top. We opened a bottle of wine he recieved for his 40th birthday last year that he never had the chance to open and we toasted a man who lived his life well, full of faith in God and love for his family. (The kids had one tiny sip each, I had a small glass and then we poured the rest of the bottle out over his grave!!) We hugged, we cried, and we prayed together. And, of course, you just can't remember that man without smiling and laughing!! We smiled as we thought of what dad would be thinking as we poured wine all over his grave. We laughed as we talked about how Paul and I would have tried to out do each other trying to celebrate his birthday and Mother's Day on the same day (each one of us trying to make the other decide what we were going to do today, each trying to kick the other out of the kitchen while a special meal was prepared. Yeah, it would have been quite humorous. It sure was the last time his birthday landed on Mother's Day.)

Paul, you are never far from our thoughts! We still love you and cherish the life we shared with you! You lived your life well and left us with so many wonderful memories to share.

Our Christmas

Obviously our Christmas was much changed this year. We kept things simpler, changed a few traditions, and did our best to still share in the joy of Christ's birth. In all the years Paul and I were together, I can't remember even one Christmas Eve spent at home. We would usually head up north to spend time between his family and mine. This year the kids and I stayed home. The first request the kids had about how to celebrate this Christmas was to be home Christmas morning so we could go to the cemetery for dad.

We decided that we would wait to decorate our tree until Christmas Eve. This was also the first time we strung popcorn and cranberries for the garland. It was actually quite fun. Paul's brother came by to snow blow our driveway and brought his wife and daughter along for a visit. It was a very nice surprise to have them come by.




We decided to make our small tree a "rememberance tree;" hanging only the ornaments that represent those family members who have already gone to heaven.
The first five ornaments are for the babies we lost due to miscarriage.

Lewis Andrew(1997)

Mercy Jalynn (1999)

Lee Mary (2004)

Mary Lee (2005)

Luke James (2006)

This ornament was given to us by Paul's mother the 1st Christmas after Paul's dad had passed away in 2003

And of course... we have our ornaments for Paul.
This one was a gift from a mom's group I am a part of.
And this one the kids and I found at Target. A perfect reminder since I often told Paul he was my "frog prince." (He was given the nickname Kermy when he was in the military and it stuck between us.)
I really like the rememberance tree and I do believe that if we go back to gettinng a big tree, this small tree will continue to serve as our rememberance tree.
We attended Christmas Eve mass and then came home to watch a movie and have ice cream. At around 10:00pm a friend dropped by with some secrect santa presents (what a blessing!) so the children and I opened a few gifts before heading off to bed.

Christmas morning we went to the cemetery.
We left Paul with a small tree (his favorite part of winter was always the way pine trees looked after a fresh snowfall) and a knight. A couple of the kids had found it and insisted that since he was mom's knight in shining armour he should have one at the cemetery.

It was a nice visit, but, hard leaving. We all felt Paul's absence as we headed up north to visit family. We stopped at Paul's mom's to sing a christmas carol (as we have for the last few years) on our way to my mom's. We spent Christmas day with my family. Then headed back to Paul's mom. We had a good time at both places; but, Paul was never far from my thoughts.

The last couple days have been even harder. I think all the emotions of the holidays have hit. New year's is always a time of reflecting on the year past and looking at the year ahead. It's been a difficult six months. Life can change so fast and so drastically. It's difficult to look at all that lies ahead and know that Paul will not be here with us to share in it. We know he's looking down and praying for us; but, that doesn't make us miss him any less. With God's grace to sustain us, I know we will continue to heal and continue to make our way even though life is so different from what we had planned. I pray this new year is filled with many blessings for all our friends and family. Please know that you hold a special place in our hearts. We are so thankful for the love and support we have been given. Happy New Year to you all.

Advent thoughts

I have been doing a lot of praying as I try to refocus our advent season and prepare us for our first Christmas without Paul. We have had some hard days and we have really pared down some of our traditions to keep things simple. Unfortounatly, last week found us all sharing a flu bug. It did; however, allow me the chance to do a little devotional reading as I cuddled with the younger two. I found a great book by Joseph Ratzinger (now our current Pope Benedict XVI) called The Blessing Of Christmas. I'd like to share with you a few words that have touched me deeply this advent.

"I am obliged to be still. I am obliged to wait. I am obliged to reflect on myself: I am obliged to bear being alone. I am obliged to bear pain, and I am obliged to accept the burden of my own self. All this is hard. But may it not be the case that God is waiting for me in this stillness? May it not be the case that he is doing here what Jesus says in the parable of the vine: "Every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit." (John 15:2) If I learn to accept myself in these days of stillness, if I accept the pain, because the Lord is using it to purify me - does this not make me richer that if I had earned a lot of money? Has not something happened to me that is more durable and fruitful than all those things that can be counted and calculated? A visit by the Lord can present itself in a new light when we see it as part of Advent. For when we rebel against it, this is not only because it is painful or because it is hard to be still and alone: we rebel against it because it seems so meaningless. But it is not in the least meaningless! In the structure of human life as a whole, it is profoundly meaningful. It can be a moment in our life that belongs to God, a time when we are open to him and thus learn to rediscover our own selves."

I know I'll still have difficult days to face ahead and I still have a long way to go on this journey of grief; but, these words do bring peace. As the book goes on to say:

"He [Christ] is already present in a hidden manner.... Every moment has its value, even if all I can do is to endure in silence. If God exsists, then there is always something to hope for, even where no human voice can any longer summen me to hope..... Ultimately, all this finds its unity in the joy that God has become a child who encourages us to trust as children trust."

I am learning to trust!

A cherished treasure!

Back in May I had talked to Paul about wanting a "Mother's Rosary". I wanted all of our birthstones to be represented in the beads of the rosary. Paul's for the Our Father beads, mine for the first three Hail Mary's, and our 10 children (5 that we were blessed to know here on earth and 5 that now grace us in Heaven) would be represented on the beads through each decade. Paul had given me the go ahead to order one; unfortunately, he died before I could even finalize the plans for it.

However, it arrived today... on my birthday, no less. And it is BEAUTIFUL. A cherished symbol of the faith Paul and I shared and the family we created together.


All I can say is, Jennifer... you did a wonderful job. It is so much more than I could have hoped for. Thank-you!
(You can see more of Jennifer's work at Miracoli Beads.)

Hope

I found this definition of hope at CatholicReference.net:

HOPE
The confident desire of obtaining a future good that is difficult to attain. It is therefore a desire, which implies seeking and pursuing; some future good that is not yet possessed but wanted, unlike fear that shrinks from a future evil. This future good draws out a person's volition. Hope is confident that what is desired will certainly be attained. It is the opposite of despair. Yet it recognizes that the object wanted is not easily obtained and that it requires effort to overcome whatever obstacles stand in the way. (Etym. Latin spes, hope.)

It is the hope, the confidence, in something much more wonderful than this world awaiting us, the hope in a perfect someONE guiding, protecting, and loving us that gives me strength to face each new day. I have been praying that through my struggles God would allow me to be a witness of such hope to others, but most especially to my children. I want to be a witness of a faith that has been tried, tested, and shown true even in the midst of such anguish. I do have that "confident desire" of obtaining peace in my soul again, that we will find joy again. I also know, have experienced, that this journey is not without its obstacles nor walked without great effort. Some of the most simple tasks of my day require the greatest effort to accomplish. But, little by little, one step at a time, we are moving forward.

I still have my moments of tears, of confusion, of loneliness, of anger. In those moments, though, I remember the words of our Lord, "If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. (Luke 9:23)" What does it mean to take up one's cross? In the previous verse (9:22) Jesus said that the Son of Man would suffer greatly. Should our cross then be without suffering? It is through our suffering that we come face to face with the cross of Christ. It is in our loneliless that we meet Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. It is in our struggle to bear the weight of our cross that we walk beside the Lord as He struggles to carry His. And it is in the moment of our deepest anguish, when we finally cry out "into your hands, Father, I commend my spirit," when we truly lay down our own life (our dreams, our desires, our will) that we begin to understand what Christ did for us and allow Him to change us and strengthen us. This is the moment when HOPE begins to take root in the depths of the soul. It is in the moments when I share my tears and sorrows, confusion and loneliless with the Lord in prayer that my soul finds its refuge and courage.

As I continue to carry this cross I know I will fall in moments of weakness. I know I will stumble many times in the days ahead. But as Christ did not carry His cross alone, I am not carrying mine alone. As the women and children gathered around Christ and wept tears, I have shared my tears with family and friends. Just as Simon helped bear the weight of Christ's cross, I have been blessed with family, friends, and even strangers to help share the load I must carry. And just as Christ's Mother walked the steps to Calvary with her Son, so too, does she walk each step beside me. The sorrows of our Blessed Mother has brought me such comfort and her courage fuels my own. Yes, I can say with certainty, I do not walk alone and in this I have hope.

Meeting the Lord in prayer.

This blog was inspired by an on-line friend of mine. She was reading the 22nd Psalm and it struck her that when the psalmist lamented in his prayer, it was not a sign of no faith, but of true faith. It is knowing that our lamenting is heard by One who truly cares for us that will lead to praises by the end of the Psalm. As I read through her email I thought about how my prayers right now are filled with "lament" and wondered how many verses will I have to "write" before the praises come once again.

I discovered with my first miscarriage years ago that if you are going to pray you better be honest with what you're feeling. Bottom line.... God knows it anyways. I have told the children through all of our suffering now..... no matter what you feel; angry, confused, lost, alone, happy and sad at the same time, whatever it is; be honest with the Lord. It is only when we are honest with what we are feeling that we give God permission to share it and be a part of it. It is only then that God can help us carry our cross and only in the honesty that God can bring true healing.

Through the miscarriages I learned to be pretty blunt with the Lord. Now through the trial of losing my husband and learning to be a single parent in the midst of such anguish; God has heard quite a bit from me. I have told Him that I think He should retire, that I think maybe He is not making very sound decisions. We could use a replacement. I have yelled and screamed at the life size picture of Jesus I have above my fireplace (that happened when I was home alone) But, always in the very next breath, my heart cries out... "now You have to carry me through." I have to know that Jesus is the One who heals this heart (or should I say replace it 'cuz I really don't think there is anything left of the one I had before) If I turn to anything else to make it whole again, wholeness will never come. If I seek for anything or anyone else to fill the utter loneliness, the loneliness will never truly leave.
I have been praying for the last few years that Jesus alone would be enough for me. I really and truly HATE that this may be how He finally accomplishes that in me.
I know that I have not yet reached the part of my "psalm" where I can freely praise the Lord. I do know that day will come. I do have that hope. But for now, my "psalm" is still in the lament! I still feel lost in the bottom of the pit and I still cry out "When will You hear me? Where does my courage and strength come from? How can I face yet one more moment of this?"
Bebo Norman (a christian singer) has a song called "Borrow Mine". It offers his faith to someone who's struggling.

"Take my hand, walk with me awhile. 'Cuz it seems your smile has left here. And don't give up. When you fall apart and your broken heart has failed you, I'll set a light up on a hill top to show you my love, for the world to see. Borrow mine when your hope is gone. Borrow mine when you can't go on. 'Cuz the world won't defeat you when we're side by side. When you're faith is hard to find, you can borrow mine."

Know that it is the faith of all of our friends and family that carry us right now. So, please, in the many long, long months ahead... please keep praying, loving, and supporting us. And THANK YOU.... those two words seem so inadequate to express how grateful I am for the support that comes our way, but please know that it truly sincere.

The cry of my heart!

We said good bye!

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to face! I am so amazed at how my dear sweet simple quiet Paul has touched so many lives. Me??? Well I knew he was amazing, I just didn't know every one else thought so too. So many people turned out to support us and to say good bye! So many have sent such wonderful cards and told such sweet things about this man. I wonder why God would take such a man from this earth when he made such an impact here.
Through everything, I wanted his story told! I wanted everyone who came to the wake and funeral to have a glimps into who Paul was (I didn't realize so many already new). I wanted the picture boards to let people see what kind of love he gave to his family and to his faith. I read my good bye letter to Paul at the wake. As I wrote it to put in the casket, it never accured to me that I would share it. But after I finished writing it, I just knew I wanted to world to know, I wanted to shout from the mountain top how much I loved him. I wanted Paul to hear me tell the world what I thought of him. I needed people to know, to hear what he gave to me. I am glad I had the strength to do so! Words would never be adaquate for him, but at least I tried!
As we came home yesterday evening, I came face to face with the reality that now life has to go on. I fealt (and feel) so lost now.
Mornings are truly the most difficult time of day. I have dreamt of him every night and then every morning I must face that he is gone once again. It's so unreal that today marks one week since my dear hubby left this world to go home! I know the veil between heaven and earth is but a thin covering and he is very near us. Closer today (and now for always) than he ever was here on earth. And I can honestly say, "I have never been more homesick than now." I long for the day when I will see my Lord and my prince charming coming for me! In the meantime, I will choose to find a way, little by little, breath by breath, grace by grace to find a way to go and to keep his memory and all that he held dear alive in his children.
Remember this.... no matter how short the time, how hard the good byes, how painful the days after.... if your spouse knows the Lord, loves you, and lives life fully... then your life is beautiful! Then you have a true blessing. Cherish what you have. Take the time to say I love you. Do not be afraid to give your whole heart, do not hold back. It may get broken someday too.... but it would still be worth it all. I have found that the amount of grief we bare is in direct proportion to the joy we had. And I wouldn't have missed it for the world.