Monday, July 21, 2008

Meeting the Lord in prayer.

This blog was inspired by an on-line friend of mine. She was reading the 22nd Psalm and it struck her that when the psalmist lamented in his prayer, it was not a sign of no faith, but of true faith. It is knowing that our lamenting is heard by One who truly cares for us that will lead to praises by the end of the Psalm. As I read through her email I thought about how my prayers right now are filled with "lament" and wondered how many verses will I have to "write" before the praises come once again.

I discovered with my first miscarriage years ago that if you are going to pray you better be honest with what you're feeling. Bottom line.... God knows it anyways. I have told the children through all of our suffering now..... no matter what you feel; angry, confused, lost, alone, happy and sad at the same time, whatever it is; be honest with the Lord. It is only when we are honest with what we are feeling that we give God permission to share it and be a part of it. It is only then that God can help us carry our cross and only in the honesty that God can bring true healing.

Through the miscarriages I learned to be pretty blunt with the Lord. Now through the trial of losing my husband and learning to be a single parent in the midst of such anguish; God has heard quite a bit from me. I have told Him that I think He should retire, that I think maybe He is not making very sound decisions. We could use a replacement. I have yelled and screamed at the life size picture of Jesus I have above my fireplace (that happened when I was home alone) But, always in the very next breath, my heart cries out... "now You have to carry me through." I have to know that Jesus is the One who heals this heart (or should I say replace it 'cuz I really don't think there is anything left of the one I had before) If I turn to anything else to make it whole again, wholeness will never come. If I seek for anything or anyone else to fill the utter loneliness, the loneliness will never truly leave.
I have been praying for the last few years that Jesus alone would be enough for me. I really and truly HATE that this may be how He finally accomplishes that in me.
I know that I have not yet reached the part of my "psalm" where I can freely praise the Lord. I do know that day will come. I do have that hope. But for now, my "psalm" is still in the lament! I still feel lost in the bottom of the pit and I still cry out "When will You hear me? Where does my courage and strength come from? How can I face yet one more moment of this?"
Bebo Norman (a christian singer) has a song called "Borrow Mine". It offers his faith to someone who's struggling.
"Take my hand, walk with me awhile. 'Cuz it seems your smile has left here. And don't give up. When you fall apart and your broken heart has failed you, I'll set a light up on a hill top to show you my love, for the world to see. Borrow mine when your hope is gone. Borrow mine when you can't go on. 'Cuz the world won't defeat you when we're side by side. When you're faith is hard to find, you can borrow mine."

Know that it is the faith of all of our friends and family that carry us right now. So, please, in the many long, long months ahead... please keep praying, loving, and supporting us. And THANK YOU.... those two words seem so inadequate to express how grateful I am for the support that comes our way, but please know that it truly sincere.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

It's official!

Myriah is now 15! Thanks to some wonderful friends, we had a nice dinner and a very enjoyable evening. Myriah requested a chocolate mint cake. I made that for her earlier today and we brought it with. It was enjoyed by all! The kids splashed in the pool, played some games, and watched a movie. All in all, I think things went real well. And Myriah enjoyed her birthday. That's all that mattered!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Joyful moments in the midst of our sorrow

Some days are much more difficult than others. Many days are filled with tears and unanswered questions. But, even in the midst of the sorrow.... God gives us moments that bring a smile to the face and just a little peace to the heart.

Myriah will be turning 15 on the 16th, so we had some family come and help us celebrate on Sunday. With grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins... the day was a good one for her and for us all. (Difficult at times, but, still good!)

And the best part of the day for Myriah was her gift from Grandpa!!
Doesn't she look great sitting in that corvette!

OK... so she didn't get the car for her gift; HOWEVER, she did get to drive it. Her very first time driving and it was in a corvette. Now before anyone worries, we only went around the horseshoe driveway a couple of times. She did great!!

Friday, July 4, 2008

We said good bye!

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to face! I am so amazed at how my dear sweet simple quiet Paul has touched so many lives. Me??? Well I knew he was amazing, I just didn't know every one else thought so too. So many people turned out to support us and to say good bye! So many have sent such wonderful cards and told such sweet things about this man. I wonder why God would take such a man from this earth when he made such an impact here.
Through everything, I wanted his story told! I wanted everyone who came to the wake and funeral to have a glimps into who Paul was (I didn't realize so many already new). I wanted the picture boards to let people see what kind of love he gave to his family and to his faith. I read my good bye letter to Paul at the wake. As I wrote it to put in the casket, it never accured to me that I would share it. But after I finished writing it, I just knew I wanted to world to know, I wanted to shout from the mountain top how much I loved him. I wanted Paul to hear me tell the world what I thought of him. I needed people to know, to hear what he gave to me. I am glad I had the strength to do so! Words would never be adaquate for him, but at least I tried!
As we came home yesterday evening, I came face to face with the reality that now life has to go on. I fealt (and feel) so lost now.
Mornings are truly the most difficult time of day. I have dreamt of him every night and then every morning I must face that he is gone once again. It's so unreal that today marks one week since my dear hubby left this world to go home! I know the veil between heaven and earth is but a thin covering and he is very near us. Closer today (and now for always) than he ever was here on earth. And I can honestly say, "I have never been more homesick than now." I long for the day when I will see my Lord and my prince charming coming for me! In the meantime, I will choose to find a way, little by little, breath by breath, grace by grace to find a way to go and to keep his memory and all that he held dear alive in his children.
Remember this.... no matter how short the time, how hard the good byes, how painful the days after.... if your spouse knows the Lord, loves you, and lives life fully... then your life is beautiful! Then you have a true blessing. Cherish what you have. Take the time to say I love you. Do not be afraid to give your whole heart, do not hold back. It may get broken someday too.... but it would still be worth it all. I have found that the amount of grief we bare is in direct proportion to the joy we had. And I wouldn't have missed it for the world.