I discovered with my first miscarriage years ago that if you are going to pray you better be honest with what you're feeling. Bottom line.... God knows it anyways. I have told the children through all of our suffering now..... no matter what you feel; angry, confused, lost, alone, happy and sad at the same time, whatever it is; be honest with the Lord. It is only when we are honest with what we are feeling that we give God permission to share it and be a part of it. It is only then that God can help us carry our cross and only in the honesty that God can bring true healing.
Through the miscarriages I learned to be pretty blunt with the Lord. Now through the trial of losing my husband and learning to be a single parent in the midst of such anguish; God has heard quite a bit from me. I have told Him that I think He should retire, that I think maybe He is not making very sound decisions. We could use a replacement. I have yelled and screamed at the life size picture of Jesus I have above my fireplace (that happened when I was home alone) But, always in the very next breath, my heart cries out... "now You have to carry me through." I have to know that Jesus is the One who heals this heart (or should I say replace it 'cuz I really don't think there is anything left of the one I had before) If I turn to anything else to make it whole again, wholeness will never come. If I seek for anything or anyone else to fill the utter loneliness, the loneliness will never truly leave.
I have been praying for the last few years that Jesus alone would be enough for me. I really and truly HATE that this may be how He finally accomplishes that in me.
I know that I have not yet reached the part of my "psalm" where I can freely praise the Lord. I do know that day will come. I do have that hope. But for now, my "psalm" is still in the lament! I still feel lost in the bottom of the pit and I still cry out "When will You hear me? Where does my courage and strength come from? How can I face yet one more moment of this?"
Bebo Norman (a christian singer) has a song called "Borrow Mine". It offers his faith to someone who's struggling.
"Take my hand, walk with me awhile. 'Cuz it seems your smile has left here. And don't give up. When you fall apart and your broken heart has failed you, I'll set a light up on a hill top to show you my love, for the world to see. Borrow mine when your hope is gone. Borrow mine when you can't go on. 'Cuz the world won't defeat you when we're side by side. When you're faith is hard to find, you can borrow mine."
Know that it is the faith of all of our friends and family that carry us right now. So, please, in the many long, long months ahead... please keep praying, loving, and supporting us. And THANK YOU.... those two words seem so inadequate to express how grateful I am for the support that comes our way, but please know that it truly sincere.