Monday, July 21, 2008

Meeting the Lord in prayer.

This blog was inspired by an on-line friend of mine. She was reading the 22nd Psalm and it struck her that when the psalmist lamented in his prayer, it was not a sign of no faith, but of true faith. It is knowing that our lamenting is heard by One who truly cares for us that will lead to praises by the end of the Psalm. As I read through her email I thought about how my prayers right now are filled with "lament" and wondered how many verses will I have to "write" before the praises come once again.

I discovered with my first miscarriage years ago that if you are going to pray you better be honest with what you're feeling. Bottom line.... God knows it anyways. I have told the children through all of our suffering now..... no matter what you feel; angry, confused, lost, alone, happy and sad at the same time, whatever it is; be honest with the Lord. It is only when we are honest with what we are feeling that we give God permission to share it and be a part of it. It is only then that God can help us carry our cross and only in the honesty that God can bring true healing.

Through the miscarriages I learned to be pretty blunt with the Lord. Now through the trial of losing my husband and learning to be a single parent in the midst of such anguish; God has heard quite a bit from me. I have told Him that I think He should retire, that I think maybe He is not making very sound decisions. We could use a replacement. I have yelled and screamed at the life size picture of Jesus I have above my fireplace (that happened when I was home alone) But, always in the very next breath, my heart cries out... "now You have to carry me through." I have to know that Jesus is the One who heals this heart (or should I say replace it 'cuz I really don't think there is anything left of the one I had before) If I turn to anything else to make it whole again, wholeness will never come. If I seek for anything or anyone else to fill the utter loneliness, the loneliness will never truly leave.
I have been praying for the last few years that Jesus alone would be enough for me. I really and truly HATE that this may be how He finally accomplishes that in me.
I know that I have not yet reached the part of my "psalm" where I can freely praise the Lord. I do know that day will come. I do have that hope. But for now, my "psalm" is still in the lament! I still feel lost in the bottom of the pit and I still cry out "When will You hear me? Where does my courage and strength come from? How can I face yet one more moment of this?"
Bebo Norman (a christian singer) has a song called "Borrow Mine". It offers his faith to someone who's struggling.
"Take my hand, walk with me awhile. 'Cuz it seems your smile has left here. And don't give up. When you fall apart and your broken heart has failed you, I'll set a light up on a hill top to show you my love, for the world to see. Borrow mine when your hope is gone. Borrow mine when you can't go on. 'Cuz the world won't defeat you when we're side by side. When you're faith is hard to find, you can borrow mine."

Know that it is the faith of all of our friends and family that carry us right now. So, please, in the many long, long months ahead... please keep praying, loving, and supporting us. And THANK YOU.... those two words seem so inadequate to express how grateful I am for the support that comes our way, but please know that it truly sincere.


Mary in MN said...

Hi Kristina,

I met you at the MN conference and wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and your family. May God richly bless you in the future and I pray for healing and comfort for your spirit.

Love in Christ,
(Vocation of Motherhood)

Anonymous said...

Hello Kristina this is your loving little friend Jessica. Know that we are all praying for you and here for you whenever you need us for whatever you might need us for! I hope I am not the one you call on when you need to punch something. I can do almost anything else for you!

A few days ago I saw the picture of you with Myriah on her birthday and at first glance it seemed as though Paul is missing from the other side of the picture. Almost like you left that space open just for him. I looked at that picture again today and I saw him there with you, totally there, almost literally.

Know that I love you!

Paula in MN said...

Kristina, I also met you at the MN Conference. I was sitting next to the Michigan bloggers, and you and I talked about the Princeton group I belonged to last year. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Your family is in my prayers.

Paula in MN said...

I also wanted to tell you that my dad died on his 40th birthday, many years ago. My mom was 35, with three kids to raise. She knows what you are feeling, and I know what your kids are going through. If you ever need a shoulder, I'll be there.

Amy said...

I read your comment on Danielle Bean's website a month ago. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am also moved by your intense love for your husband. You are a woman of such faith, and I trust that God will help you to praise Him again. I will be praying for you today and for your children whose hearts have been broken.

God be with you,
Amy V.